Conflict Resolution and Bullying
August 17th, 2011
Conflict resolution can occur when it is something as simple as a difference of opinion. This is a very common occurrence, isn’t it?! Even with the best of intentions and in the best of relationships – there are conflicts of interest, conflicts of opinions, and conflicts of beliefs. Often people stuff their anger about these differences and don’t discuss them because of the common discomfort of disputes.
As a counselor, I see bullying as a disrespect issue which can be both non-verbal and non-physical – or it can be verbal and physical. It is an intentional choice by a bully to act out his/her disrespect and power, and we call the target the victim. There can be a variety of reasons “below the surface” for the bully’s overt behaviors. There’s always a story! Most of the time the bully’s hurtful actions have little to do with the victim of the bullying. Research shows us that bullies are most commonly bullies because THEY were once victims of bullying and never got help. They stuffed their anger at being violated on some level, focused on his/her bully and became like them. The Peace Rug is an intervention that breaks this principle of patterning.
A sample of bullying activities are described below. Note the different forms and levels of intensity:
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Name calling |
Saying hurtful words |
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Teasing |
Shunning or excluding |
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Hurting feelings |
Telling lies about others, rumors, gossip |
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Eye rolling, the “look” |
Being “mean” without provocation |
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Laughing at another |
[Disrespectful] anger |
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Taunting |
Hitting/fighting/punching/pushing |
There is an imbalance of power when a bully chooses to inflict his/her hurtful actions on another.
However, the victim of bullying is hugely empowered by “speaking up” to his/her bully –so the playing field is actually leveled after a Peace Rug conversation! We want to highly encourage students and adults to have this dialogue as EARLY as possible in the difficulty; and the more often that students practice The Peace Rug dialogue “in real life,” the easier it becomes!
In the school setting our goal is to move both parties to resolution when these behaviors occur and create a plan for peace. As the students make a plan for peace, each is restored. The victim is restored because she/he got to create a boundary and speak up for herself/himself. He or she is no longer pretending that everything is okay! The bully is restored by creating success via a peaceful relationship. God truly blesses our choices to reconcile our relationships, to get restored, and to heal wounds.
The great news is that the “Peace Rug dialogue” can settle either a conflict resolution or bullying problem quickly and simply. In both cases, the two or more parties come up with a plan to make things better. Even though the issues are serious, the choice to move forward in peace is the bottom line; and Matthew 18:15 is the bottom line model to choose to move to a private conversation when there is a problem between two or more persons. Think of the conflicts that occur when we don’t follow that model! God longs for us to trust His wisdom and principles.
Conflicts when unresolved can lead to the more serious bullying activities; that is why it is so important to resolve conflicts, such as differences of opinion, before they escalate. Whether the issues are called conflicts or whether they are called forms of bullying, the heart of the matter is to move us from angry, frustrated, helpless individuals to a place where we are no longer separated from others and we are able to have loving and peaceful relationships – just as the Prince of Peace taught us.
Posted by Dr. Helen McIntosh
in Conflict Resolution and Bullying
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