TIPS FOR COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR CHILD
October 10th, 2011
When your child isn't getting along well in school, how can you talk about it?
I “blew” a critical moment with my kids years ago but learned a huge lesson that was invaluable. My children are young adults now– but in their early elementary school years they tumbled off the school bus one afternoon sobbing about “that bus driver.” What did I do? Well, I did what millions of parents do – I said, “Well, I am sure that the driver didn’t mean to --- blah blah blah.” With an astonished look, my children said, “Mom, you don’t even know the story and you are taking HER side!” They were so right. Why on earth had I not listened to them and why did I hurry to the bus driver’s defense so automatically? I lacked wisdom and many other skills that are bigger than a school incident. I lacked knowing how to listen to and to better connect with my children for a lifetime of issues. What I learned is that my initial response is even more important than having the right answer!
Fast forward to today – and this is what I would share with parents. Your primary goal really is to make certain you respond well to your child as they share “a problem” so that your response helps build a good relationship. Then as you both explore possible answers – your child will welcome your input and also welcome you into other school issues as you both navigate other seasons of their school life.
No matter what the issue is that surfaces – you will want to CONNECT, COMFORT, LISTEN – and be an emotionally SAFE person in their world! Remember that your relationship with them is more important than correction or advice! So, you will want to RESPOND and NOT REACT when you become aware that your child has a school problem. It matters what you do and say. Here’s some connecting language to help you!
The first thing you might want to do is to validate feelings and say things like:
- “Tell me about it… I’d like to hear your story.”
- “That must have hurt…”
- “I am so sorry you had such a hard day.”
- “Help me to know….”
- “What do you want me to know about…?”
- If they are hammered at school, please don’t lecture them or give advice yet or they will feel hammered at home, too!
- Resist trying to fix them! Be careful not to take sides.
Example: “I’m sure your bus driver didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Your child will think you’re on the bus driver’s side!
- If you give them the “shoulds,” communication will shut down.
Example: “You should have done this or that…”or “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Yikes! How do you know what they should have done or should have felt with exploring the child’s story?
- Want to make your child defensive? Then ask, “Why did you do that?” or “Why did you say that?” Try saying, “Help me to know what happened.” or “Tell me about it.”
- What might seem trivial to an adult may be huge in the child’s life, so if you minimize what happened by saying “It will get better.” or “I’m sure you didn’t understand what the teacher meant,” think about saying “I am so sorry you had such a hard day” or “help me to understand better.”
You want to talk with your child – not at him or her!
Ask your child if you can help him or her to have a better day tomorrow – that you have some ideas. Invite yourself in and keep those lines of communication open!
Posted by Dr. Helen McIntosh
in Communication - Part I
| |
