TIPS FOR COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR CHILD
October 15th, 2011

How is it going?  Are you making progress being a safe “listener” for your child?  I have a few more interventions for you to think about trying!  Are you ready?!

If the school problems that your child is having have anything to do with bullying or anxiety – scroll through the following blogs and you will get more information and encouragement!

·        If it is bullying - go to the School Bullying blog from October 30, 2010.

·        If it is anxiety - go to the School Daze blog from October 23, 2010.

Other miscellaneous interventions that might be helpful are:

• Ask your child what he/she thinks would make things better at school.  Let them think!  Remember not to correct them prematurely but let them do some higher critical thinking.
• Role-play with your child any of the specific problem situations he/she is experiencing so your child can be more successful next time.  An additional suggestion is for you to take your child’s part first and let your child be the other person.  This way you can model both the unacceptable behavior and then the desired one.  Then switch and let your child be “himself!”  It is a good thing to actually demonstrate what you would like your child to be do or say. 
• Ask the teacher to pair your child with another student in the classroom for a sense of connection.
• Get more information from the teacher about the incident, behavior, or problem from the teacher’s perspective.  The parents and teachers can then partner to help your child to be more successful.
• Be careful with your praise.  Sometimes when we praise our children for their performance – this sets them up to be forever “performance-driven.”  We want to always praise them for their intrinsic qualities as well.  What messages are you sending?
• If appropriate, teach your child to ask forgiveness.
• If you - the parent - feel as if you have failed in some of these areas you can ask the child’s forgiveness too.  Often when we disclose our own failures, great connections happen! 
• No parent wants to be a bad parent but we often stay in survival mode or automatic pilot and don’t think about the messages we are giving our child.  Parents can do damage – but they can also build up.  Hang in there!
• If you are not getting the resources you need to bring healthy changes – or if what you are doing is not helping - ask for help!

Posted by Dr. Helen McIntosh in Communication - Part II   |  0 Comment(s)  |  Leave a Comment

TIPS FOR COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR CHILD
October 10th, 2011

When your child isn't getting along well in school, how can you talk about it?

I “blew” a critical moment with my kids years ago but learned a huge lesson that was invaluable.  My children are young adults now– but in their early elementary school years they tumbled off the school bus one afternoon sobbing about “that bus driver.”  What did I do?  Well, I did what millions of parents do – I said, “Well, I am sure that the driver didn’t mean to --- blah blah blah.”  With an astonished look, my children said, “Mom, you don’t even know the story and you are taking HER side!”  They were so right.  Why on earth had I not listened to them and why did I hurry to the bus driver’s defense so automatically?  I lacked wisdom and many other skills that are bigger than a school incident.  I lacked knowing how to listen to and to better connect with my children for a lifetime of issues.   What I learned is that my initial response is even more important than having the right answer!

Fast forward to today – and this is what I would share with parents. Your primary goal really is to make certain you respond well to your child as they share “a problem” so that your response helps build a good relationship.  Then as you both explore possible answers – your child will welcome your input and also welcome you into other school issues as you both navigate other seasons of their school life. 

No matter what the issue is that surfaces – you will want to CONNECT, COMFORT, LISTEN – and be an emotionally SAFE person in their world!  Remember that your relationship with them is more important than correction or advice!  So, you will want to RESPOND and NOT REACT when you become aware that your child has a school problem.  It matters what you do and say.  Here’s some connecting language to help you!

The first thing you might want to do is to validate feelings and say things like:

• “Tell me about it… I’d like to hear your story.”
• “That must have hurt…”
• “I am so sorry you had such a hard day.”
• “Help me to know….”
• “What do you want me to know about…?”
• If they are hammered at school, please don’t lecture them or give advice yet or they will feel hammered at home, too!
• Resist trying to fix them!  Be careful not to take sides.

Example: “I’m sure your bus driver didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.  Your child will think you’re on the bus driver’s side! 

• If you give them the “shoulds,” communication will shut down.

Example: “You should have done this or that…”or “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Yikes! How do you know what they should have done or should have felt with exploring the child’s story?

• Want to make your child defensive?  Then ask, “Why did you do that?” or “Why did you say that?”  Try saying, “Help me to know what happened.” or “Tell me about it.”
• What might seem trivial to an adult may be huge in the child’s life, so if you minimize what happened by saying “It will get better.” or “I’m sure you didn’t understand what the teacher meant,” think about saying “I am so sorry you had such a hard day” or “help me to understand better.”

     You want to talk with your child – not at him or her!

Ask your child if you can help him or her to have a better day tomorrow – that you have some ideas.  Invite yourself in and keep those lines of communication open! 

Posted by Dr. Helen McIntosh in Communication - Part I   |  0 Comment(s)  |  Leave a Comment

Conflict Resolution and Bullying
August 17th, 2011

Conflict resolution can occur when it is something as simple as a difference of opinion.  This is a very common occurrence, isn’t it?!  Even with the best of intentions and in the best of relationships – there are conflicts of interest, conflicts of opinions, and conflicts of beliefs. Often people stuff their anger about these differences and don’t discuss them because of the common discomfort of disputes.

As a counselor, I see bullying as a disrespect issue which can be both non-verbal and non-physical – or it can be verbal and physical.  It is an intentional choice by a bully to act out his/her disrespect and power, and we call the target the victim.  There can be a variety of reasons “below the surface” for the bully’s overt behaviors.  There’s always a story!  Most of the time the bully’s hurtful actions have little to do with the victim of the bullying.  Research shows us that bullies are most commonly bullies because THEY were once victims of bullying and never got help. They stuffed their anger at being violated on some level, focused on his/her bully and became like them.  The Peace Rug is an intervention that breaks this principle of patterning. 

A sample of bullying activities are described below.  Note the different forms and levels of intensity:

There is an imbalance of power when a bully chooses to inflict his/her hurtful actions on another.  

However, the victim of bullying is hugely empowered by “speaking up” to his/her bully –so the playing field is actually leveled after a Peace Rug conversation!  We want to highly encourage students and adults to have this dialogue as EARLY as possible in the difficulty; and the more often that students practice The Peace Rug dialogue “in real life,” the easier it becomes! 

In the school setting our goal is to move both parties to resolution when these behaviors occur and create a plan for peace. As the students make a plan for peace, each is restored.  The victim is restored because she/he got to create a boundary and speak up for herself/himself.  He or she is no longer pretending that everything is okay! The bully is restored by creating success via a peaceful relationship.  God truly blesses our choices to reconcile our relationships, to get restored, and to heal wounds.

Conflicts when unresolved can lead to the more serious bullying activities; that is why it is so important to resolve conflicts, such as differences of opinion, before they escalate.  Whether the issues are called conflicts or whether they are called forms of bullying, the heart of the matter is to move us from angry, frustrated, helpless individuals to a place where we are no longer separated from others and we are able to have loving and peaceful relationships – just as the Prince of Peace taught us.

Posted by Dr. Helen McIntosh in Conflict Resolution and Bullying   |  0 Comment(s)  |  Leave a Comment

Help! I AM SO ANGRY!
November 15th, 2010

So you know you are not happy.  You are actually furious.  Sometimes you hide it and sometimes not. Sometimes you go from “zero to rage” in seconds. “Something” is just not right and it is affecting your relationships and your work.  You may be wondering, “How did I get here and what are the issues causing my anger?”   CHRONIC ANGER IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM BUT THERE ARE ANSWERS!  Can you recover?  YES!

I once heard that “anger is not getting your way.”  I thought about that for a long time but never really identified with that statement.  What I came to believe is that anger is a response to things not happening a “certain” way― the way I expected ―the way things SHOULD have happened.   Do you hear the dashed expectations?  Without meaning to, we all think about how things “should be” and have certain expectations that remain hidden for the most part.  When things don’t happen that way – anger is the result in varying intensity.  Do you have a sense of entitlement that everything should happen “your” way?  Have people let you have your way for years because of your rage?  Is it hard for you to take personal responsibility – and easier to blame others for your anger?

A mental health goal is to learn how to respond when things don’t happen like we think they should. We certainly can’t control the events around us or the people around us or the circumstances that swirl daily around us.  But― we can choose how we respond. Life happens – and we get to adjust.  If we don’t choose to adjust, we stay angry. 

Let’s take it apart.  Anger is a signal, then, that things didn’t happen like we wanted.  What do we do with that thought?  If we are in an adjust mode, it is mental and emotional wellness to think about the disappointment inside our heads or to talk about it with another person.  I teach a way to reframe our thinking that helps us adjust and will share it here.  You create two columns on a page.  First, in the left-hand column, you write about your anger.  You might have sentences like, “I am so angry about _____.”  Name what you are angry about.  Next, move to the right-hand column, opposite your listing on the left.  Give yourself some time now to think about any insights that come to mind and what is really TRUE.  Write those things down.  A download of countless paragraphs will begin flowing.  The third step is to “camp there.”  Yes, it is self-talk.  Yes, it is changing channels inside our heads.  But, we are no longer stuck.  Yes, you many occasionally go back to the left-hand column, but now you can change channels and go back to the right. You don’t have to stay angry.

If we don’t choose to adjust, then we are making the choice to stay angry. We don’t HAVE to get mad or stay mad. But! We can’t blame our anger on anyone or anything.  It is a faulty statement to say, “You make me so mad.”  A true statement is “You bumped my cup and anger is coming out of my mind and heart.”  I like to draw for clients 2 coffee cups bumping.  Many people or circumstances bump our cups!  What is key is realizing that you own the response for what comes out of your cup.  We cannot legitimately blame that on anyone else.  We may try, but it doesn’t fly!

Send your comments or questions to:  drhelen@peacerug.com 

Disclaimer: These comments are not a substitute for professional counseling and are not meant to be all that you might need.  The comments are ideas meant to encourage you and stimulate even other ideas that might be helpful in a general sense for your situation.

Posted by Dr. Helen McIntosh in How do I get my anger under control?   |  0 Comment(s)  |  Leave a Comment

I Can't Stand to Go to Work!
October 31st, 2010

I AM BEING BULLIED AT MY JOB!

What Do I Say and Do?

Even though workplace bullying is very, very common, that doesn’t make it “right.”

What is workplace bullying?
For starters, “something” just doesn’t feel right. Your confidence is shattered and you dread going to work.  That “something” is a feeling of disrespect that takes many forms.  Some of the forms it morphs into are harassment; excessive, inappropriate and non-professional control; shunning, excluding, ignoring; gossiping; teasing; disrespectful anger; use of language that deliberately wounds or hurts your feelings; and a misuse of power.  It’s normal for some employees to have closer friendships with some employees than others in the workplace.  This is not harmful.  But, it is “outside the normal range” for these alliances or groups of friends in the workplace to become disrespectful and target an outsider of their group.

WHAT CAN I DO AND WHAT DO I SAY?

So we know it is about disrespect and that it has these various forms – but what do we do and what do we say?  

What about saying or doing nothing? Many times it is hard to know IF you should even respond.  This is very common as well.  I bet you are familiar with the “Elephant in the Living Room” story and principle.  Pretending the big problem isn’t there doesn’t help! 

Not speaking up in some form is not a best choice – because it is called “stuffing,” “wimping out,” and choosing to stay a “victim of bullying.”  It is admittedly easier to just do nothing but is not healthy for either party.  Another reason we don’t sometimes speak up is that confrontation – even done respectfully – is uncomfortable at first.  Another reason to be silent is if your boss is the bully or another employee– there is the fear of losing one’s job if one speaks up. Any inequality in the relationship is also a set up for bullying. 

Let’s say you decide to care-front (confront with care) your bully!  A good choice is to ask your workplace bully if you can talk to him/her.  I would suggest having this conversation in a fairly public place although it would be a one-on-one private conversation.  Generally you would then say. “We have a problem [NOT you are the problem, as tempting as that would be!].  What do we need to do to make things better?”  Your goal is a peaceful relationship and what it will take to get it there.  Your body language and tone of voice need to be very respectful.  No blaming and no shaming.

If they press for and ask for more information, using a neutral tone of voice, you can say, “I have seen or sensed your anger, distance, etc. (whatever is bothering you).”  You don’t want to be accusatory or argumentative.  Going straight to the bottom line, “What can we do to make things better” helps alleviate the dance of “you said, I said, you did this, and I did that.”  Going directly to your bully is very respectful since you are not choosing to gossip about their mistreatment of you in the workplace. 

What if your bully doesn’t choose to respond positively or want to make a plan? 
At the very least, you have acknowledged the problem and stood up for yourself – and that is very healthy. 

Sometimes our bullies need more time to process the conversation. Sometimes they change their chosen behaviors. Sometimes they don’t.  We can never assume that someone will change.  We also cannot make someone do what we think is the right thing.  That is coercion.   

So, if the bullying still persists, what does one do?  Here are some choices: 

-         You can choose to stay there, assuming and accepting that things may never change. 

-         You are no longer ignoring the bullying even though the bully didn’t choose to stop.

-         You can ask for a transfer within the company if that is possible.

Something else you can know about a bully is that if he/she is unpleasant at work, chances are there is a reason.  They are most likely experiencing problems in other areas of their lives and have brought the problems to work.  You are seeing the tip of the iceberg but there are usually many issues below that.  There is much more on this in my book, Messages To Myself.

Your bully does need help, although it is not your job to fix him or her.  Your job is to speak up in a very respectful way in talking about the problem between the two of you.  Your speaking up is a kind of healthy “intervention” in his/her life. Who knows - your words may just open their eyes to how they are seen by others and that usually causes change.

Disclaimer: These comments are not a substitute for professional counseling and are not meant to be all that you might need.  The comments are ideas meant to encourage you and stimulate even other ideas that might be helpful in a general sense for your situation.

Posted by Dr. Helen McIntosh in Workplace Bullying   |  1 Comment(s)  |  Leave a Comment