School Bullying
October 30th, 2010
MY CHILD IS BEING BULLIED!
MY CHILD IS THE BULLY!
What Do I Say and Do?
Each fall is the season that students often experience some level of bullying either as the victim or the perpetrator. Here are some thoughts below. Please write back and I will comment more specifically if the comments below don’t cover your need. This blog is for you and your encouragement!
WHAT IS BULLYING?
Bullying is ANY form of disrespect - from non-verbal “eye-rolling” and “shunning” to the more aggressive physical “pushing and fighting.” Somewhere in the middle of that continuum is “teasing and taunting,” and “harassing” kinds of disrespect. Common examples of bullying from my children’s book, Eric, Jose & The Peace Rug, are listed below:
- Name calling
- Teasing
- Hurting feelings
- Eye rolling
- Laughing at another
- [Disrespectful] anger
- Saying bad words
- Excluding others, shunning
- Telling lies
- Gossiping, spreading false rumors
- Stealing
- Being mean
- Hitting/fighting/punching/pushing
- Saying, “You are not my friend.”
WHAT CAN I DO? WHAT CAN I SAY?
The bottom line is that there needs to be a zero tolerance in every classroom for any show or form of disrespect. Once students become aware of “what disrespect looks like” – students also need to know it is unacceptable. Hopefully each classroom’s rules cover not hurting anyone’s body, property or feelings! But, sadly, the rules don’t automatically keep children from making good choices each time. The rules do clarify that it is not OK to disrespect others!
When bullied - a child can choose to just ignore or “stuff” his/her rage, but “stuffing” can cause some very destructive consequences. To choose to ignore one’s bully or not know how to confront or face one’s bully can cause many other problems. Moreover, it is very common for a victim of bullying to someday repeat the pattern and become a bully themselves because of their focus. If your child is the bully – this tells me that at one time your child was bullied, he/she stuffed the rage, focused on his/her bully, and became “like” his/her bully. Patterning is extremely common but serious. If you study the stories of school shooters over the last few decades - these perpetrators were at one time bullied, stuffed their rage [not knowing what to say or do], focused on their bullies, and then became “like” them. So, where there is bullying and kids don’t know what to say or do – they become bullies. Every child needs to learn how to respectfully confront their bully and learn how to resolve conflicts as best they can. It is a critical life skill. Check out some of the information on www.peacerug.comfor more information on bullying, but there is help!
Here’s what you can say to your child.
You can say, “May I teach you some special words to say to your bully? Ask your bully what he/she thinks you both need to do to make things better.”
Even if your child is the bully, he/she can still initiate problem-solving with the child he/she is bullying with these words. Role-play this with them! It is astonishing how quickly children resolve their conflicts when the goal of “making things better” is the focus of the conversation. There are no threats, no blaming, and no arguing about whose fault it is. A “high five” or handshake seals the agreement in celebration!
Students appreciate the sense of empowerment when they learn the method to make things better – without peer mediators or even a teacher settling their disputes every time. More dialogue and information is in the Eric, Jose & The Peace Rug book available on the www.peacerug.com website or on www.amazon.com.
Disclaimer: These comments are not a substitute for professional counseling and are not meant to be all that you might need. The comments are ideas meant to encourage you and stimulate even other ideas that might be helpful in a general sense for your situation.
Posted by Dr. Helen McIntosh
in Bullying at School
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School Daze
October 23rd, 2010
School Daze - My Child Has School Anxiety!
School has begun! And, these are the days and weeks that students often experience some level of anxiety about school. I’ve already had some moms and grandmothers ask some questions about what could be the reason for their kids’ “woozy” stomachs and their not wanting to go to school. Here are some thoughts. Please write back and I will comment more specifically if the comments below don’t cover your need. This article is for you! We want you to have answers so you don’t have anxiety yourself!
Write to me at at drhelen@peacerug.com if you have specific questions or respond in this blog.
What can I say to my child?
Many times students don’t even know why they are feeling apprehensive. It will be important that you don’t fire a lot of questions at your child, for that could increase your child’s anxiety issues. Remain calm and think about “the message” of any of your dialogue. You might want to say, “Tell me what you want me to know about how school is going…” [Do you feel the openness?] or “Tell me what you think might be the problem…” [Do you hear asking their opinion first?] Also make sure you are not projecting your own anxiety about school on to them. If your child is going to school for perhaps the first time – and you are having difficulty yourself with the adjustment, please consider getting some help with a skilled counselor. Codependency is curable but you need to do the work! Communicate with your child that you are committed to helping them through this chapter of their life. How you go through this will be an important pattern for handling other issues that arise in the years to come.
What are the possible reasons for their anxiety?
1. One is a kind of disconnection with peers or significant adults at school.
2. Another kind of disconnection is separation anxiety, evidenced mostly by children when they are attending school for the first time. It is the downside of a close relationship between parents and children but is evidence of possibly being “too close” and their fear of change.
3. Another is a fear of not making it home on the bus… or many other issues we’ll discuss in the weeks ahead.
What can I do to help?
- When children feel disconnected to peers or their teacher, they can also have a “woozy” stomach! Ways to remedy that sense that they are disconnected would be to make an appointment with the classroom teacher. Ask if he/she could give your child some jobs in the room as a helper. Kids love that sense of importance! Also ask if he/she could spend several minutes of quality time during recess or another time each day until the child feels better connected. You can also request that your child be put in a small group (a “Friendship” group) with the school counselor. Usually these groups meet once a week for 4 to 6 weeks. This works wonders!
- When a child is insecure about going to school – it is often separation anxiety. Again, listen to the child’s messages and listen to yours. As said above, do get help if you feel an “outside the normal range” loss when your child goes to school. You need help as well as the child to adjust. Some things that help are to send the child with a picture of the family or draw a heart in the palm of their hand (and when your child misses you, he/she can look at the heart.). Be positive about time you will spend with them after school. Look happy! If the child sees you cry or have any hesitation about their going to school – alarm bells go off in his/her heart and mind.
When a child has a fear about the trip home by bus – there is also help! I love to teach children of all ages to reframe their anxiety. Here is the quick version:
If the child can read/write – make 2 vertical columns on paper. On the left is the column for Thoughts & Feelings. Make a list of all of their thoughts and feelings as they say them, even if you think they are irrational. They are real to the child, and you are validating them by their listing them. Please resist saying, “Don’t feel that way,” or “That’s silly,” or “Just be positive,” or some other well-meaning but hurtful messages. We need not minimize what is legitimate pain for them. The second column is the column for Truth. Encourage your child to think of all that could be true about the issue(s). The third step is to camp out in the 2nd column, the Truth column.
If your child doesn’t read or write yet – here is an example of how to use their hands: Basically you validate the anxious feelings your child is having using the left hand as the “place” where these feelings are represented. Then the right hand represents the “place” for statements that are true. You can help if they need it, but I encourage you to let them think of all of the possible things that are true. Then encourage them to camp there! They will revert back to left-hand column thinking at times, but encourage them to go to the truth column each time!
Example #1 – If your child is afraid of coming home by bus – the truth column would read like this: there will be helpers on the bus; you will have a name tag; the driver has a telephone; and the like.
Example # 2 - If your child is afraid to go to school – the truth column will look something like: you will be safe and OK; we will miss you; your job is to go to school; you will have fun; you will learn; you will meet new friends; other children will miss their family as well, but you can choose to be OK.
In Chapter 5 of my book, Messages to Myself – I share several other examples of helping children reframe using a chart on paper or their hands. This reframing method or exercise is also good for depression, anger, and more.
Well, we have made a start of some of the issues concerning school anxiety. Next week we will talk about anxiety as a result of bullying at school. In several weeks we will talk about physiological issues surrounding anxiety and ways to help your child relax.
Disclaimer: These comments are not a substitute for professional counseling and are not meant to be all that you might need. The comments are ideas meant to encourage you and stimulate even other ideas that might be helpful in a general sense for your situation.
Posted by Dr. Helen McIntosh
in Anxiety at school
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